Really like your moon haikus, especially like the phrase “candles on the moon,” and I like it so much I’d like to make a few small suggestions, but not without your permission. Let me know if you’re interested.
I think all your suggestions are valid. I’ve done a creative writing course with our Open University, so I’m used to having my work criticised. Another person often sees things that the writer misses.
1. ‘Birthday was carried over from an earlier draft and, as you say adds nothing – the word was originally in the poem itself.
2. ‘Distant’ was a late addition – I was probably too hung up on getting the 5,7, 5 syllables which don’t matter that much in English.
3. You are quite right that ‘from’ is a better preposition to use and I wasn’t too happy with it as it stands.
Please feel free to comment at any time. your poetry is awesome.
Now that I’ve ‘retired’ (I still have my elderly and increasingly batty mother to care for), I’m making a much more concerted effort to improve my poetry writing by regular reading and writing of poems.
A superbly written Haiku Poem, with sincerity, imagery and clarity. A gorgeous and wonderful idea to put forth here. I am sure this Haiku Poem would win first prize in any contest. Poem possesses celestial power and energy.
Please stop by to read my poem titled:Happy Birthday